


you gotta die sometime

by whatareuanacorn



Series: falsettos three part song fics - deh [2]
Category: Broadway RPF, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Part Two, Song fic, based off three falsettos songs, three parter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 11:31:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatareuanacorn/pseuds/whatareuanacorn
Summary: it's the roll of the dice and no crime, you gotta die sometime





	you gotta die sometime

_okay, when the doctor started using phrases like "you'll pass away"._

_what could i say?_

"what happens if i don't take them?" evan sighs, resting his head in his hand as he stares boredly at his therapist. 

"you'll likely become more suicidal, and find life hard to handle. medication isn't a weakness, evan, it's to help you improve."

"right." 

"so, are we agreed on this? medication is a good option?" she's smiling encouragingly, evan sighs again.

"i guess so." 

"good. do you have any questions or anything else you want to tell me?" 

 

__i said_ ,  _"doctor, in plain english tell me why was i chosen__

__why me of all men?_ _

"why d-do i want to die? i have an amazing mum and someone i love and great friends. i feel... i feel like i'm just being selfish." 

"you're not selfish. the brain is a funny thing, and yours just lacks some certain chemicals. it won't be this way forever. you can get better. you just need more help than some people." 

"what if it never changes? what if it gets too much and i end up leaving them? my mum wouldn't know what to do and connor would  _break._ " 

"that's why we're tackling the problem before it gets worse."

 

__docter here's the good part at least death means_ i _'ll never be scared about dying again__

"i used to be scared of dying." 

"do you still feel that fear?" 

"not at all. which i think is kind of good in a way because it takes the anxiety away from the enevitable. when i was in that tree though, it was a different kind of fear. i don't think i was scared of dying, i was scared of leaving." 

 

_lets get on with living while we can_

_and not play dumb, deaths gonna come_  

 

"death isn't something to fear, evan. but it comes in time. something that is worth fearing is wanting it to come early. you've said it yourself, you have wonderful people around you. they are worth living for." 

 

_it's the roll of the dice and no crime, you gotta die sometime._

"some people can't wait for it to come naturally."

"that's why we help those people."

 

__death is not a friend but I hope in the end he takes me in his arms_ a _nd lets me hold his face, h_ _e takes me in his arms and whispers something funny, h__ _e lifts me in his arms and tells me to embrace his attack_

 

evan gets home to find connor asleep in his bed. 

he lifts the duvet and climbs in next to him, curling up against the taller boy, causing him to stir.

"oh, you're home." connor mumbles as he wraps his arms around evan, "how was therapy?" 

evan doesn't respond, instead rolls his hips against connor's, his crotch digging into the elders thigh, 

"well, this is something to wake up to." connor chuckles, 

"wanna fuck you."

 

_then the scene goes to black_

_life sucks_

_people always hate a loser_

_and they hate lame ducks_

_screw me and shucks_

_thats it thats the ball game_

_i don't smoke don't do drugs and then comes the bad news_

"did something happen at therapy? you're being oddly dominant. are you okay?" 

"i'm fine, connor. just let me fuck you, please."

"evan...?" 

"make me feel alive."

 

_i quit_

_thats the ball game_

_it's the chink in the armor_

_the shit in the karma_

_the blues_

 

"okay. you're okay. fuck me, ev. fuck me till i can't remember my own name." 

 

_can i keep my cool despite the urge to fall apart?_

__how_ _should_   _i_ _start?__

 

evan grips connor's arms as he thrusts into him, his head is dropped down, not making eye contact with the elder. 

he can't.

connor can't see he's breaking. 

 

_i would cry if i could but it does no damn good to explain_

_i'm a man in my prime_

_you gotta die sometime_

 

he makes connor come easily. 

he releases with a high pitched whine, and a gasp of evan's, followed by a quick, panted; "fuck, evan, never stop fucking me."

 

evan comes shortly after.

he starts crying as he pulls out. 

he sits on the edge of the bed, facing away from connor.

 

"evan? ev, baby, what's wrong?" connor asks, sitting up and putting his hands on evan's back. 

"nothing." he whispers, getting up and walking to the bathroom to get connor a damp wash cloth. 

 

_deaths a funny pal with a weird sort of talent_

_he puts his arms around my neck and walks me to the bed_

 

connor is stood next to the bed when evan comes back, having cleaned himself with his t-shirt. "come here." he whispers, taking the cloth out of evan's hands and wrapping his arms around him, helping him down onto the bed. 

connor sits evan up against the headboard and straddles his legs before kissing him gently.

 

_he pins me up against the wall and kisses me like crazy_

_the many stupid things_

_i thought about with dread,_ _now delight_

_then the scene_ _goes to white_

 

when connor tries to pull away, evan pulls him back, kissing him again.

they kiss until evan's mind goes blank. 

"tell me what's wrong." connor whispers, breathless as he rests his forehead on evan's,

"nothing. i'm okay. today's just been a lot." 

"what happened at therapy, angel?" 

"i'm going on meds." 

"that's good, isn't it? it'll help you get better." 

"i guess. part of me doesn't want help." 

"evan, do you still want to die?" 

"it's not gonna just go away, con."

"i know... i know that... i just... i don't know. sorry." 

"don't be sorry. i'm doing okay, i promise. i'm picking my prescription up tomorrow."

"okay. i'm glad you agreed to meds. i hope they help."

"i'm sure they will."

 

______give me the balls to orchestrate a graceful leave_ _ _ _ _ _

_thats my reprieve_

__to go out without care_ _

__my head high in_ _the air_ _

 

it's a week later.

he's been lying. 

he's been telling connor and zoe and jared that he's _okay._

he told his mum he feels better.

hell, he told them they were his reason to live.

he's a liar. 

a liar who is sat at the base of the tree he jumped out of just last month.

there's a small orange bottle in his hand.

he picked his meds up 6 days ago and hasn't taken a single pill. 

he's been saving them.

he's kind of mad at himself, he wishes he could go out better than this. 

he thinks about whoever finds him for a second. 

he hopes it's a stranger. 

he knows he should be thinking about his mum. connor. anyone other than himself, but he can't. 

he wants to forget.

he wants to leave.

 

_it's the last little mountain i'll climb,_

_you gotta die sometime._


End file.
